INTERCOM VOICE: Attention, Ladies and Gentlemen, Fort Walla Walla has now closed. Please make your way to the nearest exit,
[door being locked, followed by a toilet flush]
SHERLOCK AS MARTIN [on the phone]: Come in, M. This is double oh-seven. The—
DOUGLAS [on the phone]: Yes, Martin. You just managed to elude capture by a seventy-year-old lady who volunteered to knock on the loo door and ask if everyone had left. How are your brilliant powers of deduction helping you find Arthur?
SHERLOCK AS MARTIN: Douglas, not now. I've got to…Douglas! There's a hat here, in that roped off area—
DOUGLAS: Martin, there are hats—
SHERLOCK AS MARTIN: No! It wasn’t there before! I saw! It’s Arthur’s!
DOUGLAS: Arthur didn’t bring his—
SHERLOCK AS MARTIN: The coonskin cap! He…he bought it, in the shop! He must still be here!
DOUGLAS [very threatening voice]: Well, you keep working. And let me know when you’ve deduced his location.
SHERLOCK AS MARTIN: Douglas, I—
[phone off sound]
Fine. I will.
[door; car starting]
JOHN: Besides, there was no reason to talk about aeroplanes.
MARTIN AS SHERLOCK: I couldn't think of anything…
JOHN: Aeroplanes! I think she thought—
MARTIN AS SHERLOCK: Oh no! You think she suspected?
JOHN: No, she thought you were mad. [pause] Not…that Sherlock isn’t mad, just…it was different mad…I don’t think we got any useful information from her.
MARTIN AS SHERLOCK: Th-the shelter! She told us about the shelter
JOHN: Yes, the shelter that we already knew about from the article…Sherlock probably would have gone on about the bite marks on her arm. You spilled tea all over it.
MARTIN AS SHERLOCK: Well…the bite marks? We saw the bite marks?
JOHN: A crazy cat lady with bite marks on her arm…honestly, I’d have been shocked if they weren’t there. Now when we get to St. Francis Animal Centre, I’ll do the talking. You just…pretend you’re the most important person in the room.
MARTIN AS SHERLOCK: I told you already, I don’t have to pretend! I’m the captain!
JOHN: Yes, anyway…Don’t touch anything. And you’ll do fine…You did do well with the allergies. The medicine must be working.
JOHN: Eugh! No! Not the…now I’m going to have to get that dry-cleaned, you know.
ARTHUR: No! That’s not how it works! You have to dig your way out with a spoon!
[ringtone: Say you love me every waking moment, turn my head with talk of summertime…]
ARTHUR: Hey guys! Bill! I can't reach my phone. It could be important!
BILL: Where is it?
ARTHUR: In my pocket.
BILL: I'm not reaching into your pocket!
[ringtone: Say you love me every waking moment, turn my head with talk of summertime…]
SAM: Just get it, Bill. I don’t want to hear it!
ARTHUR: Douglas says it’s the most beautiful sound to be made by human beings.
[ringtone: Say you love me every waking moment, turn my head with talk of summertime…]
SAM: Bill, answer it!
BILL: Fine. [fumbling] Here, I'll hold it for you.
ARTHUR: Just a little closer to my face, please.
ARTHUR: HULLO, DOUGLAS!
ARTHUR: I COULD TELL IT WAS YOU BECAUSE I GOT A SPECIAL RINGTONE! DO YOU LIKE IT? IT’S FROM THAT ONE OPERA ABOUT THAT CHAP WITH THE MASK!
DOUGLAS: Leaving aside the fact the offensive suggestion that Andrew Lloyd Webber writes opera, did it ever occur to you that I can’t hear your ringtone?
ARTHUR: OH! DO YOU THINK I SHOULD HAVE BOUGHT THE RINGBACK?
DOUGLAS No! Don’t buy it! [aside] Why am I even doing this…[sigh] Arthur, are you alright?
ARTHUR: I’M BRILLIANT!! SAM AND BILL HAVE ME TIED UP AND WE’RE—
DOUGLAS: Why did I…Can I talk to Sam or Bill?
ARTHUR SURE! BILL, DO YOU WANT TO—
SAM: Gimme the phone! Hello?
DOUGLAS: Hello, sir. I am Douglas Richardson, and Arthur is a friend of mine. What do you want with him? If you are punishing him for his crimes against good taste, I understand. But you don’t sound cultured enough to be doing that.
SAM: Huh? [loud whisper] Bill, I don’t get this guy. He has some sort of accent. Can you understand him?
SAM: I’m putting him on speaker. [speaking normally] If you don’t give us what we want, we’ll kill him. Meet us at Westfield Mall, and bring your other friend—the detective. Hand him over, and we’ll let this guy go. Oh, and give us five hundred dollars, too, or he gets a knuckle sandwich. Each.
DOUGLAS: Shall we see you there in three hours, then?
ARTHUR: NO! DOUGLAS! WAIT UNTIL TOMORROW! THE FORT IS BRILLIANT! AND I—
BILL Shut up!
DOUGLAS: Oh, at the fort, you say? Never mind, then! I’ll see you a lot sooner, Arthur—I’m sure our friend the detective is planning your rescue as we speak…Goodbye!
ARTHUR: You can put the phone back now, Bill.
JOHN: You shouldn't have asked to see the body. She was crying already!
MARTIN AS SHERLOCK: Isn't that what Sherlock would have done?
JOHN: Yeah…but…couldn't you have been more yourself? There is only so much crying I can take in a day!
MARTIN AS SHERLOCK: But how…that’s not f—
LESTRADE: So what have you got for me?
JOHN: Oh! Er…dead end. They put the cat down.
LESTRADE: You mean he hasn’t explained to you how this is all secretly important?
MARTIN AS SHERLOCK: I did! I did, but…he was too thick to understand it.
LESTRADE: Yes, Sherlock. For once I wasn’t talking about you, though…[whispering] This is even worse than that time he pretended he'd gone deaf for three days after that explosion just to see what we'd do. At least then we could see him.
JOHN: Well, all I’ve got is that it’s vicious. They had to put it down when it escaped an apparently escape-proof shelter and killed a pair of chinchillas in a house the street over.
MARTIN AS SHERLOCK: It was horrible! I mean, I mean, losing the trail like that, not the poor chin-
MARTIN AS SHERLOCK [continuing]: Yes, what is [cough] You what?…Suing? But…but I didn’t…Arthur had the fire extinguisher…I will! I’ll take care—Carolyn, please…Yes, I understand but…okay, I’ll be there . [phone off. very distressed] I’m sorry John, Inspector. I just…I can’t…
JOHN: It’s all right, Sherlock. You do this all the time, remember?
MARTIN AS SHERLOCK: No, I can’t pretend any longer. I- I’m going!
JOHN: Sherlock, don’t! This is for your own—Oh, sh—Sherlock! Come back!
LESTRADE: Long day?
JOHN: He can’t be on his own. I’m going after him. Sorry!
SHERLOCK AS MARTIN: He’s in the fort, but how am I going to get him out? Need a plan…planning now…
DOUGLAS: Sherlock! Nice to see you’ve at least deduced where he is.
SHERLOCK AS MARTIN: You told me where he was.
DOUGLAS: Yes. You can't detect sarcasm either, I see.
SHERLOCK AS MARTIN: Besides, I'm not Sherlock! I'm Martin!
DOUGLAS: Yes, well, the men who captured Arthur would beg to differ, so that little dissimulation is moot now. We need a plan, and we need it—
SHERLOCK AS MARTIN: Aaaagh!!!!!
DOUGLAS: It’s just your phone, Martin. Answer it!
SHERLOCK AS MARTIN: H-h-hello! Martin Crieff speaking.
JOHN [on the phone]: Sherlock, I've lost Martin.
SHERLOCK AS MARTIN: Wait, how can you have lost Martin? I'm right here!
JOHN: Sherlock, it's fine, I'm in the loo, so no one can hear us. Just tell me what to do. He's blown his cover!
SHERLOCK AS MARTIN: But you don’t understand, I’m Martin!
JOHN: Sherlock, there’s no time for this right now. I’ve told you.
MARTIN: [whispered] It’s John! What should I—
DOUGLAS: Good evening, John—or should I say morning, for you. This is Detective Hardy, speaking for his colleague, Detective Laurel. I might add that I am apparently the more competent of the two, a fact which I hope you will place in your blog.
JOHN: At this point, I just might. Look, Douglas, Martin got a phone call—
DOUGLAS: From Carolyn? Yes, I received one on my way here.
JOHN: Yes, and then—
DOUGLAS: There was a death on our plane a few years back. They have just now decided to sue MJN.
JOHN: That would explain the running off.
DOUGLAS: He ran off?
JOHN: He said he couldn’t do it anymore.
DOUGLAS: Carolyn has insurance—we can’t fly without it. It’s not a big deal.
JOHN: But why would they sue you now? And shouldn’t Martin know that Carolyn has insurance?
DOUGLAS: Never underestimate Martin’s ability to panic at precisely the wrong moment.
JOHN: Yes, I’m starting to see that. This babysitting—I just want to go home and make a cup of—Oh sh—Sherlock told me to look after the cat. I completely forgot about it.
DOUGLAS: I’m sure it will survive on its own for a few hours.
JOHN: Yes, so why—Douglas! What if it’s the cat?
DOUGLAS: What if it is the cat?
JOHN: Sherlock doesn’t care about animals. There must be something…
DOUGLAS: The lawsuit! Hybris Industries are suing us for negligence in the death of its employee. They are in weapons manufacture…and I've heard nasty rumors about them before.
JOHN: You don't think the cat…is a weapon, do you?
DOUGLAS: It's a cat. It is a weapon.
JOHN: Well, we can leave that to Sherlock. The point is that Martin has run off, and there are still men—possibly very dangerous men—out looking for him. I'm going to try and stop him before anything happens. Where do you think he ran to?
DOUGLAS: Oddly enough, he may be going straight towards Hybris Industries. As I said, he panics. It leads to poor decision-making.
JOHN: And even if he isn’t, those men might take him there. If we’re right about the cat…Well, it’s the best lead we’ve got, so that’s where I’m going. Tell Sherlock from me that he's a berk.
DOUGLAS: With pleasure.
DOUGLAS: I hope you’re pleased we managed to deduce that, Martin.
SHERLOCK AS MARTIN: Of course I am!
DOUGLAS: The question is why you didn’t tell us sooner and stop Sherlock—who, by the way, is a complete berk—from endangering himself.
SHERLOCK AS MARTIN: Look, Douglas, there’s something I need to tell you…
JOHN No, Lestrade, I’m not waiting for backup—Martin doesn’t know what he’s getting into, and by the time you can respond—
[someone talking on phone]
Yeah, I know. Just get here as soon as you can. I’m sure I can handle it until then.
[muffled shouting and blows]
JOHN: I hear—hurry!
[Door kicked open. Sound increases in volume.]
JOHN: [shouting] Everyone drop your weapons! You’re surrounded!
THUG 1 Keep working on that one. This one’s mi—
[A series of indistinct scuffling and punching noises follows, among which, in order, the following can be distinguished: a gun clattering to the ground, a switchblade being opened, a body hitting the floor, and a body being slammed against the wall.]
JOHN AND THUG 2: Nnnngggggh…
[a gunshot, followed by a long pause]
JOHN:…Martin? Where did you get that gun?
MARTIN AS SHERLOCK Honestly, John, you have terrible timing.
SHERLOCK AS MARTIN AS SHERLOCK: Nice work on the ringleader, though.
JOHN: What the…
SHERLOCK: As soon as I saw that pitiful excuse for an airline pilot I knew there was no way he could pretend to be me with any effectiveness. So I stayed here and pretended to be him. You should be ashamed that you didn’t notice, though it only proves once again that you and Lestrade always see, but never observe.
JOHN: Shut up, Sherlock.
SHERLOCK: It’s true. I am almost shocked that you didn’t notice that I am several inches taller than that first officer—
SHERLOCK Than Martin Crieff.
JOHN: Then who was texting me all this time? That’s not your phone!
SHERLOCK Martin—but only on my express orders. How did you find out that I was here?
JOHN: I called you—well, Douglas—about the lawsuit. It’s where Martin would’ve gone.
SHERLOCK I’m astonished that you found this location. I know my brother thinks Douglas is at least somewhat intelligent, but the sheer importance of this case—No, you still don’t know, do you?
[sounds of more shouting and running]
LESTRADE: POLICE! YOU’RE UNDER ARRE—
SHERLOCK: You sent for him, too?
ARTHUR: WOW, chaps! That was brilliant!
DOUGLAS: Yes, the fact that your “friends” released you voluntarily when Martin’s shouting alerted them to the fact that Martin was not, in fact, Sherlock, does, indeed, make Martin and me brilliant.
ARTHUR: Yes, that was WONDERFUL acting, Sherlock! I can call you that now, right?
MARTIN: I told you, Arthur, I’m not actually Sherlock! We didn’t really switch places!
ARTHUR: Well, it was brilliant, anyway.
DOUGLAS: I was shocked at how eager Bill and Sam were to let you go—well, no, not terribly.
ARTHUR: So was I! We were having fun together! They let me stay in the museum prison and everything! [continues chattering]
DOUGLAS: I was hoping they’d be willing to pay a ransom.
MARTIN: Yes, well, some of us are willing to help their friends without pecuniary incentive, Douglas.
DOUGLAS: Did you just use a five syllable word, Martin? You should pretend to be Sherlock more often!.
ARTHUR [who has been chattering on in the background throughout Martin and Douglas’s fight]: And they weren't going to do it properly, you see. But I told them, if this is a kidnapping, we ought to do it right! And they agreed, eventually, so I was so glad I had my spoon from my ice cream. And they had to use their hands. And then we played Old Yeller and I didn’t want to shoot Sam but I had to!
DOUGLAS: Very eager to let you go.
MARTIN: So, what’s the plan now?
DOUGLAS: You’re the one with Sherlock’s mobile.
MARTIN: Oh, right! Let me see…well, obviously we should head back to London. Carolyn’s there, and—oh, how are we going to pay for all those fees?
DOUGLAS: Actually, I think I have a plan…
[sounds of voices behind a door]
MARTIN: Remember, I only said you could come with me if you promised not to embarrass me. So don’t ask John for his autograph—or at least wait until a better time. And try not to shout very loudly. And—
ARTHUR: Of course, Martin! I would never [sound of door opening] JOHN! CAN YOU GIVE ME YOUR AUTOGRAPH! I BROUGHT MY AUTOGRAPH BOOK AND EVEN PRINTED OUT SOME OF YOUR BLOG POSTS! WHERE DO YOU COME UP WITH THE TITLES?!?? STUDY IN PINK? BRILLIANT!
MYCROFT: I didn’t know you were so famous, John. It’s fortunate that I was not injured when your fan came through the door.
SHERLOCK: No it isn’t.
MYCROFT: Really Sherlock, I—
ARTHUR: WERE YOU HERE FOR AN AUTOGRAPH FROM JOHN? JOHN WOULD YOU PLEASE MAKE IT OUT TO CAPTAIN BRILLIANT?!?!?!?
MARTIN: I'm flattered, Arthur, but I don't really want John’s autograph
ARTHUR: No, no, that's me! That's my secret crime fighting identity!
SHERLOCK: You and John would get along, then.
JOHN [hissing]: Sherlock!
MYCROFT: Well, I do know who you are now. Douglas has spoken about you. I am sure you appreciate that he is an excellent captain…
MYCROFT: …but I never understood why he went in for this aeroplane flying. A monkey could do it!
MYCROFT: Do give him my best! And tell him that if he does get bored, the British government could still use him. Now, if you don’t mind, I’ll be taking the caracal into custody. Oh, and don’t worry about any losses you suffered during this expedition. You will be reimbursed.
JOHN: Anyway, now that he’s taken the cat: I think I missed the part where Sherlock explains everything and tells us why we were all so incredibly idiotic not to think of it ourselves?
ARTHUR: YES, YES! TELL US NOW! THIS IS MY FAVOURITE PART!!!!!!
SHERLOCK: [clears throat]
ARTHUR: That was BRILLIANT!
MARTIN: Be quiet, Arthur!
SHERLOCK: Well, clearly, those men outside were after Martin, because they had not followed me home. And they appeared when he did. But they wouldn’t be after an incompetent airline pilot, so it had to be the caracal, which I admit had piqued my curiosity to begin with—very rare animal in the UK. Its weight was off, too—I suspected tampering, though I didn’t know what. Its vomit—
JOHN: You made that cat vomit on purpose!
SHERLOCK: Yes, and my tests on the vomit revealed unusual enzymes in the saliva. But even before I did my chemical analysis, my suspicions were confirmed: The previous escaped caracal who had lived with the old lady was too aggressive—even for a cat. There are a number of different military operations attempting to genetically modify animals for better effectiveness in the field. Hybris Industries does research in that field, so, when I learned they were planning to sue MJN air, it was the simple conclusion.
JOHN: And the interviewing, and making young women cry was just for your amusement, of course.
SHERLOCK: She wasn’t actually chatting you up when we arrived, so no need to defend her. I had to throw the men from Hybris Industries off the scent.
MARTIN: So…why did you send us back to Walla Walla?
SHERLOCK: More red herrings for the corporation. Also, my brother paid for it.
ARTHUR: AND IT WAS BRILLIANT! WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO PUT THIS IN YOUR BLOG, JOHN?
MARTIN: He will eventually. I think…I think we should just…
[Door opens. Sounds of feet on stairs and Arthur’s voice never quite stopping.]
SHERLOCK: That went pretty well, I think.
JOHN: And this time I had the fan club.
SHERLOCK: One person. And a more than usual idiot. Don’t let it get to your head.
JOHN: Shut up.
SHERLOCK: Aye, aye, Captain. [pause] So, curry?
CAROLYN: Well, well—congratulations, boys—you managed not to bankrupt MJN. This time, at least.
DOUGLAS: Does that mean we’ll be getting a bonus?
CAROLYN: That means you will not have to allow all 200 of these crested ducks to ride in the cabin with you. The hold is fixed, and if we are very, very lucky, Gertie will no longer smell of onions by next Tuesday.
DOUGLAS: Yes. Well, no thanks to Martin, who has the singular misfortune of resembling Sherlock Holmes. Or Arthur, who has the singular misfortune of being himself.
ARTHUR: Hey! I think it’s GREAT to be me.
DOUGLAS: Precisely my point. No, you all have me to thank that Mycroft even paid us for the expense in the first place.
MARTIN: How? You weren’t even there!
DOUGLAS: I called him, of course. He’s an old friend from Eton.
MARTIN: Of course. How is it that you know everyone, Douglas?
DOUGLAS: Because, Martin, it is a little known fact that the Richardson family has a strain of telepathy.
ARTHUR: Wow!! Is that like…mind powers?!
DOUGLAS: Yes, Arthur. Mind powers
ARTHUR: Do you hear that?! Douglas has MIND POWERS. SECRET Mind powers.
MARTIN: They're not secret anymore.
ARTHUR: Oh…Still, it's only us, and we're like family.
DOUGLAS: No. We're not.
ARTHUR: Oh, right! Because we have Sherlock Holmes on board with us, right?
MARTIN and DOUGLAS and CAROLYN: Arthur!!
ARTHUR: Don't worry, Sherlock. Your secret will be safe with me!
That was Cabin Pressure by John Finnemore, it starred Stephanie Cole as Carolyn; Roger Allam as Douglas; Benedict Cumberbatch as Sherlock, Sherlock as Martin, Martin as Sherlock, Sherlock as Martin as Sherlock, and Martin; Martin Freeman as John; and John Finnemore as Arthur.
It also starred Mark Gatiss as Mycroft, Rupert Graves as Lestrade, Oliver Porter as Bill, William Henry as Sam, and Lara Pulver as the Starbucks Barista.
The producer was David Tyler and the program was a Pozzitive Production for the BBC!